Why someone with ADHD would never get away with murder.
I am not cut out for a life of crime.
No matter how many true crime podcasts I’ve listened to while sitting in traffic on the 405. No matter how many serial killer documentaries I’ve been captivated by. No matter how many times I’ve watched Netflix’s Mindhunter. No matter how many times I’ve read Killer By Design by Dr. Ann Burgess.
I would never get away with anything.
Modern forensics and DNA testing. Forensic psychologists. Digital and technology analysis.
The list goes on, and on, and ON…
But I would be caught by the first line: CSI (Crime Scene Investigators).
Why? Glad you asked.
Well, I can’t help but leave a trail of evidence.
If I go into the kitchen, there’s always one drawer or cabinet left open. Or food I took out of the fridge, which I truly intended on cooking… but the recipe I wanted to follow is on my phone…
My phone…
Where is my phone? My working memory is… taking its 15-minute break. So, it’s time to check the usual places.
The couch cushions and blankets are now on the living room floor.
My phone is neither on nor buried in the couch.
The bathroom counter is de-arranged.
My phone is not in the bathroom.
My bed has been stripped of all pillows, sheets, blankets, and the precious duvet.
My phone is not in my bed.
But then I remember—I planned to water my plants this morning, so maybe I left my phone near my plants! I love my plants! It looks like the soil needs to be tossed on some of them. And at least three of them need water! I grab the watering can and go into the kitchen to fill it.
Then I see the food on the counter… why is that there?
Oh yeah! I was going to cook breakfast!
But wait—where is my phone?
The cycle repeats.
After another 30 minutes of buffoonery, I realize that I can ping my phone using my Apple Watch.
Brilliant!
I hear the pinging sound… it’s somewhere nearby… but muffled, as though it’s inside a container. I check the drawers and cabinets I left open, as well as the ones that are closed. Nothing. I give up. It’s time to put the food back in the fridge.
And there it is.
On the second shelf.
Right next to where I took out the food earlier.
Object permanence: one of my brain’s greatest tricks. Like a magician, it can make any object disappear and render it non-existent. But object permanence has tricked me for the last time.
Now my entire home is a crime scene—evidence scattered across every room, documenting my movements, my erratic decisions, and my inability to cover my tracks.
What’s great about this particular executive functioning difficulty is that I will always have a solid alibi.
If I’m ever accused of a crime I would never commit, there will be plenty of evidence of my whereabouts to prove my innocence.
If you recognize your own trail of evidence here, it may be worth asking what’s really going on rather than assuming it’s a personal failing. You’re not a criminal (and probably never will be)... but there are plenty of other trades where you can still be wildly successful.
